sleeping, sailing, and showering
february '24
Question: Do you sleep with the fan on, even in the colder months?
Follow-up question: Is it because you need the white noise or because you cover yourself in 7 blankets/comforters/sheets and then subsequently feel hot?
My answer to both of these questions is: yes. I understand that the second question is a binary of choice but I do both, and it’s remarkable how uncomfortable I get when it’s too hot. Especially in Austin, where we don’t have a winter, I toss and turn for hours just because it’s too hot. But I’m a stickler for a low energy bill, or at least the staunch discipline to attempt lowering my energy bill much like my immigrant parents. So sometimes I resort to cracking open my window just a bit but this usually results in a rude awakening at 4am when the trash truck comes by to clear the bins and “accidentally” drop the large metal bin from the giant claw - thanks, assholes.
I’ve tried cooling blankets, weighted blankets, sleeping naked, sleeping on the couch, and much more, but these solutions weren’t enough. I have found something that works, though. I have started to work really long days and fill my time with so much stuff that I literally cannot afford to sleep! Before, I used to get in bed at a reasonable time and toss-and-turn for hours. Now, I stay up far into the wee hours of the night doing work and only get in bed when my eyelids literally fall to the floor. This solution has cost me so much uncomfortability while laying in bed, because now I just don’t sleep! It’s amazing. You should try it.
TL;DR: I’ve been busy.
Another month, another beautiful playlist. Well, actually the same playlist but just 40 new songs. This month we’ve got tracks from Sampha, Bleachers, Khruangbin, Thundercat, and Kate Bollinger - plus songs in Hindi, French, Tamil and English. Some would say that this lineup is more diverse than the group of kids on any university admissions pamphlet.
[Archive playlist can be found here, and in my spotify bio]
direction > destination
Asking someone to choose their favorite Disney movie is like asking a mother of 3 to pick her favorite child. But I would venture to guess that every mother has had favorites when one child misbehaves, and the other is a sweet darling. At the moment, my favorite child Disney movie is Moana. Aside from the beautiful animation of Hawaiian islands and the convoluted notion that Moana is attractive, I really love this quote from Maui:
"It's called wayfinding, princess. It's not just sails and knots, it's seeing where you're going in your mind. Knowing where you are by knowing where you've been."
There’s something so right about the inclusion of highly intellectual metaphors in a supposed childrens’ film. I feel more inspired by these metaphors than most podcasts. To me, the concept of wayfinding resonates deeply. It's about more than just physical direction; it's about mental clarity and awareness. To "see where you're going in your mind" requires vision, imagination, and foresight. It's the ability to visualize your journey, to dream of what could be, and to believe in the possibility of reaching those destinations.
And to "know where you are by knowing where you've been" emphasizes the importance of reflection and learning from past experiences. Each step we take, every challenge we overcome, and every mistake we make contributes to our understanding of ourselves and the world around us.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the goals I set for myself at the start of this year and how they might change over the next 11 months. It’s hard to predict what my year will shape up to be and how I might not like the path it takes but there’s comfort to be had in trusting the knowledge and learning from past experiences, along with the vision I have for myslef and my goals in 2024 (and beyond). So much of imposter syndrome and all these other “syndromes” stems from our own inability to see and execute the vision but in reality, I think we tend to trip over our own feet by visualizing the destination and not the direction.
My next example is much like the character of Maui, in that he also uses wayfinding and sails across the seas but not quite in the same vain. Christopher Columbus (lol) had no specific destination in mind when stumbled upon the Americas, but set sail with the idea that if he sailed far enough West, he might just reach the East. Columbus placed a heavy focus on direction over destination and his journey ultimately reshaped the course of history. While Columbus's methods and intentions are slightly foolish, I’d argue that he had no other choice than to trust his own intuition and set a rough north arrow. It would have been nearly impossible for him to program a specific destination into a GPS and sail on. Instead, he focused on pointing his compass in the right direction and sailed as far as he could.
When you prioritize direction over destination, you free yourself of the anxiety-induced paralysis of the first step. It’s tough to plot perfect courses, especially when you’re thinking of career paths and life goals. Virgil Abloh studied to be a civil engineer/architect and ended up as a fashion pioneer. Laura Lee was working hard as a math teacher and now grooves infectiously with a bass guitar. Bob Ross was an Air Force Master Sergeant before vowing to never raise his voice again and becoming the calmly painter we know now. Jim Carrey was a homeless janitor with a passion for comedy that finally led his family out of poverty and him to fame. Who’s to say that the journey won’t yield a more attractive destination along the way?
“As far as I can tell, [success] is just about letting the universe know what you want and working toward it, while letting go of how it might come to pass. Your job is not to figure out how it’s going to happen for you, but to open the door in your head and when the doors open in real life, just walk through it. Don’t worry if you miss your cue. There will always be another door opening.” – Jim Carrey
Having a direction in life instead of a destination allows you to always feel like you are moving forward, because you are. If you decide that financial stability is your north arrow, any movement towards that is something you can celebrate. You save enough for a CD - celebrate. You pay off student loans - celebrate. If every action contributes to the direction we initially set, then even the smallest amount of positive progress can be celebrated.
And the beauty of focusing on direction is the ability to stay malleable and agile. Life stage, new interests/knowledge or a significant life event may alter your plans drastically and therefore rotate your compass needle just slightly. The end goal might drastically change over the years but if you’re comfortable with your actions and intentions still playing in favor of the new direction, then no harm no foul - it’s still progress.
Without veering into “the journey is better than the destination” territory, I’d urge you to place a solid focus on the direction of your life visions rather than tangible, over-metric’d destinations. It's not about dismissing the importance of setting goals or achieving milestones, but rather recognizing the growth and fulfillment that comes from identifying the right north arrows and letting them guide you. If you focus on the vision and keep that north arrow aligned, you might just wind up where you were meant to be.
through my eyes
For my mom’s birthday, we got to tour a bunch of beautifully designed homes in Austin! The tour is intended to showcase local interior design firms and their wildly imaginitive spaces from 2023. These images are from that tour and also from my phone rather than my camera. No excuses, I just didn’t take enough photos this month. Next month will be very different though - I might have too many photos to choose from. (Read to the end to find out why)
now what?
Approximately once a year, while taking a shower, my body does not have the physical or mental energy to continue standing and therefore I just take a seat. I slowly lower myself to the tub, positioning myself in a hunched-over position with the water hitting my hair and running down my head. It look quite dramatic, honestly - something out of a scene in Euphoria. Oxymoronically, this happens because I’m at an all time low. I sit in the shower approximately once a year because I cannot routinely complete the shower in 10 minutes as I usually would. I sit in the shower approximately once a year because I need to stare at the floor of my plastic tub and let my mind run wild. I sit in the shower approximately once a year because I fear that if I don’t, another year might not come around.
I’m not one to show emotion easily - even my positive emotions are fairly subdued. I tend to have high pain tolerances and process emotions internally first. I, much like you, experiences feelings of shame, regret, anxiety, stress, depression and whatever else comes my way. But I find it burdensome to tell people about it and be a constant debby-downer. This is part of why I go to therapy - to talk and work through rough waters. But sometimes therapy sessions, meaningful conversations, deep meditations, and alcohol don’t do the trick. That is when I resort to sitting in the shower.
Two weeks ago, I sat down in the shower. I really didn’t expect to, but I found myself in a weird funk between overproductivity, mental murkiness and general depression. I had just had a long day of work and exercise, with dinner yet to be had at 11pm. I was exhausted, but I didn’t expect to end up on the floor of my shower just 3 weeks into 2024. At some point you start to associate the start of a year with good intentions and positive movement, but come to realize that it’s just another checkpoint and doesn’t necessarily guarantee a resetting of emotions or mental rhythms. Shame and all, I crossed my legs and stared at the hot water dripping from my nose to the tub. It’s a place I had been before, many times over the years. Sometimes months after a rough break-up when I thought I could keep it together and other times after an overly introspective birthday. This year, something felt different. It was the first time that I felt a bit removed from my emotions - just enough to think “ah fuck, here we go again.” As though it was some involuntary act of resilience and defiance at once, I gave in to the moment and recognized that it was a cycle that I had adopted over the years. A cycle that I couldn’t avoid.
Much like a birthday or tax day, I almost felt like this shower-sit was inevitable. So inevitable, I should embrace it - maybe even look forward to it next year? Not that I ever look forward to tax day, but knowing that once the papers were submitted, I would only have to worry about the issue again next year - and that brings a bit of joy/comfort. As I let the hot water get progressively colder, I (1) turned the knob a bit further and (2) realied that this moment of sitting in the shower wasn’t just a manifestation of my struggles; it was an opportunity for mindfulness and self-compassion.
Instead of berating myself for feeling overwhelmed or succumbing to the depths of my emotions, I offered myself kindness and understanding. I acknowledged the validity of my struggles and reminded myself that it's okay not to be okay sometimes. Specifically, once-a-year. I let go of the need to fix everything in that instant and surrendered to the idea that I made it to rock bottom. I made it to this imaginary place that I supposedly visited every year. In that moment, sitting in the shower became a form of meditation, a sacred space where I could pause and realize that I’ve made it to the bottom of the sine curve with nowhere to go but, up.
While the challenges I faced didn't magically disappear, I approached them with a renewed sense of resilience and self-compassion. I share this because I can feel myself gamifying this low moment and seeing a positive turn immediately after. I remember having a conversation with myself that probed the following questions:
“Ok, you’ve made it to rock bottom. Now what?”
“Nice, you got the shower-sit out of the way early this year. Now what?”
“Imagine what’s on the other side of this shower. Now what?”
“You just wasted a shit ton of water. Now what?”
You might not experience and dwell on emotions the same as I do, but that “now what” circulated my mind and empowered me enough to get out of the damn shower. I felt a sense of renewal and strength following the stillness and introspection I experienced under the running water. There’s power in knowing that the worst is over and the rest is yet to come. There’s power in understanding that you’re at the bottom of the sine curve and you can only go up from there.
I sat in the shower 3 weeks into 2024… now what?
link dump
we’re getting mixed signals from interstellar space
places on earth that just don’t seem real
NIO is making a fool out of Tesla
What’s in my NOW? newsletter
how to bring discipline to a creative agency
bitcoin’s “new” co-founder
I’ll be on a flight to India in just a few hours. I’m taking three weeks to spend time with family, capture special moments in my grandfather’s village and explore my homeland’s streets with my camera in hand. But this time, I also intend to carve out time to write a whole lot more and expand on thoughts/ideas I’ve had for months - exciting visuals and words to come.
If you made it this far, thank you. I know I’m twelve days late but better late than never. I used the Super Bowl as an excuse to sit in front of the TV and put the final touches on this month’s letter. I’ll see you in a couple weeks for the February Pitstop!