things Americans still can't do, even though Trump is president

land of the terms, home of the conditions

The cheeto has officially taken his big fat seat in the Oval Office, and as the confetti settles, we’re all bracing for a new normal. Except, it’s not so new. It’s looking suspiciously like the same old normal — messy, ridiculous, and just a touch too on-brand for America. While Trump has mischeviously done and undone several things in his first week on the job, there are several things Americans still can’t do, no matter the clowns in charge. These things unite us, they keep the country together — the fine print of freedom. See below.

eat a meal without taking a photo first

Phone eats first, always. Don’t you dare try to swig a taste of that ramen broth or dig your fork into the molten lava cake before a photo is taken. It’s borderline illegal, and also applies on international waters. If you’d like to truly be one with American culture, hoard these photos in numerous albums and don’t ever share, compile, or do anything productive with them.

catch a quick flight to north korea

If you’re anything like me, you’re ridiculously curious as to what North Korea looks like or what their food tastes like. But unfortunately, we have not improved international relations with this country just yet. Trump made strides forward in his previous presidency, and I look forward to more in the next four years, but I wouldn’t hold my breath over this. I mean, the closest we’ve come is when Seth Rogan and James Franco sang Katy Perry’s Firework to a fake Kim Jong Un (Randall Park).

call a dog ugly

You just can’t do it. Even if you think it, you can’t say it out loud. When you see a seemingly less fortunate dog, the words that come out of your mouth must be high pitched and using poor grammar. You must offer tender compliments on the color of the dog’s fur or something else obscure, so as not to hurt the feelings of (1) the dog’s owner, (2) the general public or worst of all, (3) the dog.

offer your leftovers to a homeless person

As someone who has done this numerous times and learned the hard way, I advise you to avoid the kindness of your own heart. It will only hurt you in the long run. The homeless folks in your city are fine, they are supported by the opiate crisis and declining minimum wage. America clearly does plenty to support the less fortunate, don’t employ some god complex of yours to make someone’s day better.

find affordable concert tickets

Americans will always be under the iron fist of the entertainment ticketing industry. We’re just slaves to the service charges, processing fees, facility fees, taxes, delivery fees, parking fees, security fees, and mobile ticketing fees. And after all that, the Artists are still not paid fairly? Ouch. It’s hard to find affordable concert tickets in this country, but it’s harder to deal with the fomo of not seeing Bad Bunny live from the nosebleeds.

win a debate on tipping culture

America is built on community and mutual support. Part of that "support" now looks like a 20% tip on a $17 sandwich which was ordered on a tablet, made by an underpaid and illegal immigrant, and delivered by a roomba with shelves. Debating this fundamental mechanism of American society will only lead to unhappiness and broken friendships - again, I’ve learned that the hard way.

understand how health insurance actually works

Despite hours of Googling and deciphering cryptic EOBs (Explanation of Benefits), no one really knows how health insurance works. I cannot tell you what your plan covers, or how much your copay will be, or if it’ll come with a surprise bill after your treatment like a Marvel post-credit scene. Luigi Mangione clearly found himself at wits-end trying to figure all this out, and I’m not sure I can blame him.

use the metric system

Stick to using inches, pounds, and football fields as common measurements. Don’t bother measuring things in cm, ml, or kgs. I don’t even know what those letters stand for; I just know they’re not helpful. We tried to change this with Ted Lasso and Slow Horses but we’re back to our good ole ways of measuring things in handfuls. The Imperial system is just better and more powerful; watch Star Wars if you don’t believe me.

look at a photo without questioning if it’s been AI-generated

We used to trust photos. An over-edited Instagram post or a grainy disposable shot was proof of a moment - proof of life. Now we question everything: that satellite image of a flattened Gaza, the Hollywood sign on fire, and every Community Note, ever. The irony is that it the answer doesn’t even matter - reality is negotiable, we’re all skeptics, and the only truth is our anxiety.

spend a day with 0 screen time

The day begins with your phone alarm, rolls into hours spent on a laptop, interrupted by frantic smartwatch notifications, shifts eventually to a TV or maybe the screen on your fridge, followed by some doom-scrolling, or staring at the tablet in the backseat of a Waymo, or responding to the Duolingo owl in French, and finally you’re back in bed, “reading” on the same phone that you woke up to. It’s a vicious cycle, really. Screens aren’t part of the day—they are the day.

crumbs

“At the same time, from the very beginning, the land of the free has also been about the freedom to make and spend money. America put God on our money, but for many Americans, money is God.” - Yuval Noah Harari

“The American Dream tells us that freedom is the state of being unburdened and unconstrained by others or systems. It’s about having choices and being able to fully express ourselves. It’s having the power to be who we want, go where we want, and do what we want. But we tend to understand it as an individualistic concept.” - Mia Birdsong

“Donald Trump is an uncannily accommodating vessel for projection, good and ill. It occurs as something of a cosmic joke that his last name is “Trump,” which is the Joker in a deck of cards, a wild card, the card that can be any card. So it is that Donald Trump can be any character, whatever people hold him to be. This serves both to elevate him and debase him. Whatever his flaws and virtues, he is definitely a talented showman, a creator of spectacle, as one would expect from the Joker, the Jester, the Trump. The showman’s openness to projection allows the spectators to see in him that which he is not, whether hero of villain.” - Charles Eisenstein

“I don’t know if it’s always been this bad here or if it’s just become less blurry. I don’t know if I’ve always had it this good or if I’m just seeing my privilege more clearly. I suppose every coin has two sides that we’re forced to carry.” - Jenny Clark

I’m ambivalent on the state of the union and what’s left to come in the next 4+ years — we could endlessly debate free lunches in schools, immigration policies, China’s trade war, Colombia’s tariffs and so much more. But there are so many independent variables that, sometimes, aren’t affected by politics or international policy or immigration, and these variables unite us in a world that is increasingly divisive. So, this list was inspired by that sentiment, and by this article that shared a similar outlook on life following the Covid-19 Pandemic.

Looking forward: here are a couple of essays/ideas I’m keen on digging into next:

• love is invisible: the pleasures of talking nonsense with someone you love,

• the spagghetifiation of modern culture: nostalgia and reminiscence as the core sentiments behind current marketing and branding

• reclaiming the web: ‘gathering people in my digital living room’ and enhancing connectivity, without breeding individualism and metricized growth

• the arbiters of quality: Michelin guides, Tomatometers, Letterboxd, Bely, Yelp, Anthony Fantano, LEED ratings, JD Power awards, etc.

I would love to hear your thoughts and ideas on any of these topics, as well as comments and curiosities on this post. The discussion, feedback, and banter helps me stay true to the humanistic vision for this newsletter.

---

---

I think my last post of 2024 was underrated; give it another shot:

the head hurts but the heart knows the truth