I agree with everything you’re saying here and the question I have in response is do you feel that life has meaning? I’m more absurdist in my thought tbh, and it’s through similar reflection, feelings and ideas that the charge of “needing to survive” isn’t one that fills with me with joy but rather a perverted sense of responsibility.
I do see beauty every now and then and think okay there’s at least beauty, but there’s a hell of a lot more bullshit and that’s something I really wonder how most people cope with.
Oh you’re absolutely right - that sense of ‘needing to survive’ is so burdensome sometimes. I’m like “on fuck, is this just an endless cycle of micro battles?” and it takes work to see even the positives as positives.
I think it’s only when you’re zoomed into the sun’s path, watching all the planets and emotions dip and bob, that life has meaning. You can SEE the meaning, in its movement and energy. But when you zoom out, it’s a flat line - and I assume that means we should feel things on a granular scale?
Idk if that helps me digest the whole thing, but maybe cope with the baby steps.
agreed on the scale concept but at the same time i can't help but feel disillusioned at the idea that i'm supposed to marvel at things like flowers etc every day to keep me going for another few decades
sounds like you're in the same boat as me, where all of this seems unsustainable and perverted - plus, you mention decades and idek if we'll make it that far. if it's any consolation, i'm clinging to this 'sun thing' for a month or two before I need a new ark to marvel on.
But I feel that part of what we owe ourselves is knowing when to zoom in and zoom out, letting scale play in our favor. Some days I wait for someone else to write an inspiring piece or sing a song or post a video that'll add some fuel to my tank. And other days I'm hoping for an unusually warm day in January, which is when I have to zoom out and wait for spring.
(unrelated, but for what it's worth, the bg color of your substack page is beautiful)
My heart is so full right now. I don't know where the sun is taking us; your words, however, felt like a reassurance that maybe feeling is the most important thing here. To help each other out. To live, live, live. Thank you for writing🌻
"Maybe we're not supposed to understand. Maybe we're just supposed to feel, to experience, to let the waves of joy and sorrow and everything in between wash over us like emotional radiation. And who knows, maybe the sun knows where it’s taking us; towards a place where tears are sacred, laughter is a prayer, and emotions are a just medium of translation."
I hope things get better for you. Where the sun is taking us, I don't know and we'll probably never know. And maybe the point is to not know, but to keep trying, to keep living even if some days all we can do is cry.
“Happiness is longing for repetition” wow this line hit me. I’ve finally reached some stability in my life where I have repetition. My kids are in school, I work one week on/one week off, I see similar people each week. I have repetition and I’m happy, but now I am now seeking a sabbatical to break myself from that repetition. Can you explain that Rish? (Or anyone else?)
I think the caveat that you (and I) missed in what I wrote about is that the repetition that leads to happiness isn't necessarily happy things over and over again. It's the cycle of emotions on a consistent basis that leads to a state of matured happiness - aka contentment. But you're also completely valid in recognizing that when things are all consistent and static, we yearn for a break in the simulation - that seems like pure human nature. "The only true constant is change" - someone, probably.
Stunning, stunning, stunning piece, Rish, and somehow exactly what I needed to hear in this moment of time. You write so concisely that I feel deeply understood and seen by you - were we best friends in a past life, if you believe in that?
I've always been obsessed with the sun and, more particularly, the universe. I used to obsess over the fact that it's constantly growing larger, and as time passes, things move further away from each other. I never realized the constantness of the sun, only the fact that the universe is a terrifying, ever-going, changing thing. Your words made me realize, oh, the sun is a lifelong friend, it's always here, always beside us. That's good to know. Sorry if this is a meander.
‘A lifelong friend to the sun’ - I like that. It sounds like we’re on the same emotional wavelength at the moment, spinning forces around the sun somehow aligned.
Thank you so much for the kind words. And no apologies - aren’t all our words sort of meandering?
Nice to say "aren't all our words sort of meandering?", gave me some perspective. I always worry about making sense. Maybe making sense shouldn't be a first priority.
Great essay, thanks for sharing. I love these bits:
“Sometimes it’s just my heart speaking up for itself, asking for me to prove my value in some obscure manner.”
“Maybe we're not supposed to understand. Maybe we're just supposed to feel, to experience, to let the waves of joy and sorrow and everything in between wash over us”
I like the analogy of cyclical emotions to other orbiting bodies of energy
The analogy of cyclical emotions to orbiting bodies of energy wasn't even the motif I set out to find when starting this piece, but it's where my frustrations took me.. I'm glad that struck a chord for you. thank you for reading, chris.
Fucking brilliant writing. Wish I could at least start to capture my emotions the way you do. And yes we are on this unknown path decided by the sun, but don’t forget, you’ve got your friends with you along for the ride. Love you machi ❤️
I appreciate and relate to the circular emotions and linear nature of time. "Re" is an important part of our cultural anthropology as humans. For me, "Returning or Going back is part of Going Forward". Returnment incites Reflection, Reconnection, Recreation of understanding of self and others...and time marches on while we feel our way through these cycles hopefully evolving with each turn. Thank you Rish!
I agree with everything you’re saying here and the question I have in response is do you feel that life has meaning? I’m more absurdist in my thought tbh, and it’s through similar reflection, feelings and ideas that the charge of “needing to survive” isn’t one that fills with me with joy but rather a perverted sense of responsibility.
I do see beauty every now and then and think okay there’s at least beauty, but there’s a hell of a lot more bullshit and that’s something I really wonder how most people cope with.
Oh you’re absolutely right - that sense of ‘needing to survive’ is so burdensome sometimes. I’m like “on fuck, is this just an endless cycle of micro battles?” and it takes work to see even the positives as positives.
I think it’s only when you’re zoomed into the sun’s path, watching all the planets and emotions dip and bob, that life has meaning. You can SEE the meaning, in its movement and energy. But when you zoom out, it’s a flat line - and I assume that means we should feel things on a granular scale?
Idk if that helps me digest the whole thing, but maybe cope with the baby steps.
agreed on the scale concept but at the same time i can't help but feel disillusioned at the idea that i'm supposed to marvel at things like flowers etc every day to keep me going for another few decades
sounds like you're in the same boat as me, where all of this seems unsustainable and perverted - plus, you mention decades and idek if we'll make it that far. if it's any consolation, i'm clinging to this 'sun thing' for a month or two before I need a new ark to marvel on.
But I feel that part of what we owe ourselves is knowing when to zoom in and zoom out, letting scale play in our favor. Some days I wait for someone else to write an inspiring piece or sing a song or post a video that'll add some fuel to my tank. And other days I'm hoping for an unusually warm day in January, which is when I have to zoom out and wait for spring.
(unrelated, but for what it's worth, the bg color of your substack page is beautiful)
This piece is gorgeous - prose, idea, structure, everything. So glad it read it today
so happy to hear this, ty for reading!
My heart is so full right now. I don't know where the sun is taking us; your words, however, felt like a reassurance that maybe feeling is the most important thing here. To help each other out. To live, live, live. Thank you for writing🌻
and your words are the reassurance that maybe I should keep writing. thank you :)
"Maybe we're not supposed to understand. Maybe we're just supposed to feel, to experience, to let the waves of joy and sorrow and everything in between wash over us like emotional radiation. And who knows, maybe the sun knows where it’s taking us; towards a place where tears are sacred, laughter is a prayer, and emotions are a just medium of translation."
"Things happen, our minds think one thing and our hearts react to another. The emotions come and go, bound to some elastic string of time."
"My therapist used to tell me that my only purpose in life was to survive."
I hope things get better for you. Where the sun is taking us, I don't know and we'll probably never know. And maybe the point is to not know, but to keep trying, to keep living even if some days all we can do is cry.
“Happiness is longing for repetition” wow this line hit me. I’ve finally reached some stability in my life where I have repetition. My kids are in school, I work one week on/one week off, I see similar people each week. I have repetition and I’m happy, but now I am now seeking a sabbatical to break myself from that repetition. Can you explain that Rish? (Or anyone else?)
I think the caveat that you (and I) missed in what I wrote about is that the repetition that leads to happiness isn't necessarily happy things over and over again. It's the cycle of emotions on a consistent basis that leads to a state of matured happiness - aka contentment. But you're also completely valid in recognizing that when things are all consistent and static, we yearn for a break in the simulation - that seems like pure human nature. "The only true constant is change" - someone, probably.
this was written so well!!
lovely
It sounds like you have plenty on your plate, so a 60-minute podcast probably isn’t the antidote, but I think you’d enjoy this one: https://open.spotify.com/episode/4OTQR0Wks56JhIdk5VsO41?si=DPpn0SCVSm-4BX8T4icS9w
It was the first time I really considered why young children, despite their constant emotionality, never become depressed o nihilistic.
I’ll make time for a David Sasaki rec, any day
Stunning, stunning, stunning piece, Rish, and somehow exactly what I needed to hear in this moment of time. You write so concisely that I feel deeply understood and seen by you - were we best friends in a past life, if you believe in that?
I've always been obsessed with the sun and, more particularly, the universe. I used to obsess over the fact that it's constantly growing larger, and as time passes, things move further away from each other. I never realized the constantness of the sun, only the fact that the universe is a terrifying, ever-going, changing thing. Your words made me realize, oh, the sun is a lifelong friend, it's always here, always beside us. That's good to know. Sorry if this is a meander.
Amazing work <3
‘A lifelong friend to the sun’ - I like that. It sounds like we’re on the same emotional wavelength at the moment, spinning forces around the sun somehow aligned.
Thank you so much for the kind words. And no apologies - aren’t all our words sort of meandering?
Nice to say "aren't all our words sort of meandering?", gave me some perspective. I always worry about making sense. Maybe making sense shouldn't be a first priority.
Great essay, thanks for sharing. I love these bits:
“Sometimes it’s just my heart speaking up for itself, asking for me to prove my value in some obscure manner.”
“Maybe we're not supposed to understand. Maybe we're just supposed to feel, to experience, to let the waves of joy and sorrow and everything in between wash over us”
I like the analogy of cyclical emotions to other orbiting bodies of energy
The analogy of cyclical emotions to orbiting bodies of energy wasn't even the motif I set out to find when starting this piece, but it's where my frustrations took me.. I'm glad that struck a chord for you. thank you for reading, chris.
Fucking brilliant writing. Wish I could at least start to capture my emotions the way you do. And yes we are on this unknown path decided by the sun, but don’t forget, you’ve got your friends with you along for the ride. Love you machi ❤️
Blessed to have my brothers with me, always. Love you thambi💛
your writing has so much depth. proud of you for sharing so openly, that takes courage <3 love ya
love you too :’)
I appreciate and relate to the circular emotions and linear nature of time. "Re" is an important part of our cultural anthropology as humans. For me, "Returning or Going back is part of Going Forward". Returnment incites Reflection, Reconnection, Recreation of understanding of self and others...and time marches on while we feel our way through these cycles hopefully evolving with each turn. Thank you Rish!
“going back is part of going forward” - I like that!